Jude has had two good days so far this week at school. To my knowledge, there were no issues Sunday either. We have an appointment with psychiatry on Thursday and I’m hoping for some medication changes. 

If you’ve been following our story, you may recall that we started deceasing clozapine to see if we could get Jude’s bloating stomach to stop growing. It was concerning us all and his stability justified a slow decrease to test the hypothesis. Almost instantly, he stopped gaining weight. Simultaneously, I noticed behavioral changes. But, they were manageable and the physical side effects of clozapine were scaring me, so we pushed through. We did a few more decreases and each time, I noticed more behaviors, still manageable though and I felt it would be selfish to ask for an increase and risk Jude’s health just because he was becoming more of a challenge to keep up with at home during his visits. I’m a “rise to the challenge” kind of girl, and I just accepted as a new path.

However, over the last two weeks, I think the full effects of the clozapine decrease have reared its ugly head and I feel regret that we messed with the dosing in the first place. But, how would we have known unless we tried? Jude’s stomach was blowing up like a balloon and he looked fatigued from all the weight gain.  My heart broke as I bathed over all the stretch marks covering his hips and stomach. “This shouldn’t be,” I lamented to myself. 

I hate the decisions that a parent like myself is forced to make. We choose between two evils, and I don’t even know that one could be considered “lesser than.” They are just different, and it seems as though you have no other option but to roll the dice to know which way to go.

Thankfully, there are no dice rolls for us or our son. We are children of the most high God and I know He’s sovereign over the most complicated and tragic moments of our lives. I can rest in knowing that “God has no problems, only plans.” And His plans for us are always good. This story is a hard one to tell, but I was reminded tonight by a true friend, “keep sowing. We will not stop until the Lord says we’re done.”